Mai's Ramblings - Maikka

Mai! On! Maikka!

"Fine. If you're all so curious, let's go ahead and talk about it. Not that there's anything to talk about. But whatever.

"Take the two most unusually sensible people in Avatar: The Last Airbender, pair them up in spite of them never interacting with each and having other preferred romantic relationships, and you have the imaginary pairing of Maikka.

"Sokka is a warrior of the Southern Water Tribe who lives by his people's down-to-Earth good-ol'-boy homey wisdom, in spite of being a major participant in a fantasy epic. He tagged along with his sister and HER BOYFRIEND the Avatar Aang as they went about committing petty crimes all over the world and sometimes making trouble for the Fire Nation's benevolent BUT A LITTLE BIT MEAN Great March of Civilization.

"It wasn't until a season or two into their epic OR NOT quest that Sokka and crew encountered Mai the bored knife-thrower, a girl so uninspired by the world that she actually signed up as a sidekick to Princess Azula of the Fire Nation just for something to do on the weekends. Mai eventually wound up in a romance with Fire Princes Zuko that was treated more like an annoying secondary plot than a real relationship, but no matter how you look at it there was nothing of interest there so I don't care and neither should you.

"The extent of Sokka and Mai's interaction was to sometimes take part in the same multi-person choreographed fight scenes but they hardly said anything to each other and altogether seemed unaware of their respective existences NEVER MIND GENDER. Sokka wound up in a steamy affair with a girl in clown makeup NO NOT TY LEE so he soon ceased to care about any of the females in the whole rest of the world.

"Next, people are going to start shipping completely imaginary characters to compliment their completely imaginary romances.

"...

"That's not going to cut it, is it? Okay, fine, let's do this for real.

"I admit through my various ramblings WHERE DID THAT NAME COME FROM ANYWAY I USED TO SPEAK VERY NICELY BEFORE THIS JUNK STARTED I have indeed mentioned many times that I find Sokka to be physically attractive but I very much doubt that I really stand out in that respect because let's face it the boy has filled out very well with muscle and meat no doubt thanks to the hard life of being his tribe's sole hunter in an environment where ice is the new grass and the snow comes at you like my knives after I've been told I look like a man IN OTHER WORDS YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU CAN EVEN FIND ALL YOUR BLOOD AFTERWARD AS MY KNIVES WON'T HAVE SLOWED DOWN ANY FOR HAVING PASSED RIGHT THROUGH YOU and that type of thing is good for turning boys into mighty MANLY men especially if the gossip about Sokka's father is true ALTHOUGH THAT GOSSIP USUALLY PAIRS HIM WITH LADY URSA SO UNLESS THERE'S PICTURES I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I mean Ty Lee certainly noticed his looks but you see that illustrates the difference between me and Ty Lee because she only cares about how cute Sokka is and not about any of the other rather special considerations HER MIND CAN ONLY KEEP TRACK OF ONE THING AT A TIME OF COURSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT BY NOW like the fact that he's not a bender BENDERS ARE STUPID REAL WARRIORS USE METAL but he still manages to get the job done and he's also kind of sort of a little intelligent although he often needs the help of a female mind LIKE HIS SISTER OR THAT TOPH THING OR AVATAR AANG to keep him on track but hey if the price of a true independent genius is Azula's flavor of insanity then I'm content with Sokka just being a little helpfully eccentric.

"Speaking of Fire Nation royalty WOW THAT WAS A SMOOTH TRANSITION the whole idea of a romance with Sokka is obviously not going to work out because I am in fact already in a romantic relationship with Fire Lord Zuko NO NEED TO LOOK SO SURPRISED I ONLY MENTION IT EVERY OTHER MINUTE SINCE IT'S THE ONE THING THAT DEFINES MY EXISTANCE and while I'll be the first to admit AND ADMIT AND ADMIT AND ADMIT AND THIS IS KIND OF FUN that he's a complete moron who has no idea how to run his own life never mind maintain a healthy relationship with an intelligent girl and know not to break up with her via a POORLY WRITTEN note that talks more about world peace than his actual feelings specifically about me and why he felt he couldn't mention those feelings or the fate of the world or whatever in person but I'm not bitter NO NOT ALL YOU DO RECOGNIZE THE SARCASM DON'T YOU but nevertheless it's a form of stupidity that I'm quite used to by now and Zuko does have his endearing side because he was the one person during my childhood who didn't take joy in my pain at one point or another and so I'd hate to break his heart after threatening to cut out his liver with my dullest knife and then cook it up and feed it to the turtleducks BELIEVE IT OR NOT THEY'LL EAT MEAT TOO I'VE READ THAT SOME GANGSTERS AND FREEDOM FIGHTERS USE THEM TO HIDE BODIES if he ever broke up with me.

"On that note Sokka also has an existing romantic interest WOW THAT WAS ANOTHER GREAT LEAD IN I'M AN AWESOME WRITER WHY AM I ENDING THESE THINGS AGAIN in the form of the Kyoshi Klown Suki who seems to have won out over all of his other possible girlfriends by virtue of the fact that she kissed him first UNLESS YOU COUNT HIS GRANDMA ACCORDING TO HIS SISTER BUT I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT AND HIS SISTER IS KIND OF CREEPY ANYWAY FOR KEEPING TRACK OF THAT KIND OF STUFF SICK KATARA VERY SICK and managed not to die DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS and also actually looked like a female as opposed to other existing crushes with more screen time CHEER UP TOPH MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU'LL LIKE A GIRL ALTHOUGH I'M NOT BETTING MONEY OR FIRE FLAKES ON IT and so when the end came and all the girls had to be hanging off the arm of an important guy or risk being condemned by society at large POOR TY LEE SHE ONLY HAS A NEW LIFE AWAY FROM ME WHERE SHE CAN BE A CLOWN ALL DAY AND NIGHT BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND SO LET'S WRITE STORIES GIVING HER ONE OR JUST SAY SHE LIKES GIRLS Suki grabbed Sokka and welded her hands onto him. Aside from the fact that I think Suki is a blight on humanity by embodying all its aspects that I dislike and also being so great and sympathetic and popular and yeah maybe I am a little jealous that no one liked me at all in favor of Katara until I knifed some people to save Zuko's life MMM THAT'S A FUN MEMORY I KICKED A LOT OF BUTT THERE KIND OF LIKE I KICKED VERBAL BUTT WITH ALL THESE RAMBLINGS I GUESS I JUST PLAIN KICK BUTT and even after that I take heat NOT THE GOOD KIND THAT COMES WITH MAKING OUT WITH A FIREBENDER for my drab looks and voice and attitude while Suki is the ideal girl next door and also spends most of her later screen time half naked but hey at least it keeps Sokka happy and that's what matters if I want to be nice about it.

"In any event I know there will be a lot of disappointment if I don't explore all the possibilities so yeah let's say Zuko moves on from me IF ANYONE EVEN SO MUCH THINKS ABOUT KATARA FOR HIM I SWEAR THERE WILL BE BLOOD AND LOTS OF LITTLE BITS OF FLESH AND SOME SHATTERED BONES AND A CRUSHED FRUIT TART OR TWO and Suki falls off a ladder and dies and suddenly the both of us are available and ready to forget our heartache with some cuddling. First of all I really don't think Sokka would even look twice at me because in case you haven't noticed I'm not what one would call classically pretty WELL I SORT OF AM IN THE FIRE NATION BUT THE CLASSICS DON'T GET MUCH PLAY and just about the only non-Zuko male who ever expressed an interest in me in a purely physical sense was that beach moron Ruon-Jian HEY I JUST REALIZED ISN'T THERE A SURF SHOP WITH THAT NAME who was all 'hey girl let's go investigate that mysterious closet' and I was just like 'mysterious closet what are you smoking' and he said 'I liked smoked fire flakes' and I said 'ooh there's fire flakes here' and he smiled and was going 'yeah I made them myself with my family's secret recipe they're fresh and good' and I was ready to smile and go 'I hope that wasn't a euphemism because if you give me that recipe I'll be your friend and introduce you to Ty Lee' but then Zuko came up and was just like 'rawr get awayz from mah girl' and I screamed "Zuko you moron what about the fire flakes' and now I've completely lost track of what I was talking about.

"Oh, yeah.

"Anyway I doubt a Water Tribe barbarian would find such a set of looks so Fire Nation as mine to be at all attractive but assuming he wised up and began valuing intellect and personality more than beauty ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T WANT HIM TO TELL ME THAT I'D EXPECT THE USUAL POEMS ABOUT MY CUTE NOSE BUT NOT TOO MANY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BORING then maybe he'd find my outlook to be a little more refreshing than Miss 'I Punch To Show Affection" Bei Fong. Like Sokka I have a rather pessimistic outlook on life that we both prefer to think of as realistic since anything that can go wrong usually does with all the gusto of Iroh eating second breakfast HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A HOBBIT DOESN'T HE and we both like making pessimistic observations in a scathingly sarcastic manner IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED THAT OUT YET YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T BEEN READING THESE RAMBLES and in fact our preferred mode of communication is a little something we call snark that involves just the right mix of humor and wit and condescending tone and a touch of sarcasm here and there SOUNDS AS COMPLICATED AS MAKING GOOD FIRE FLAKES and we would probably have a lot of fun with that or annoy each other to the point of murder. Also I really like cuddling with boyfriend types when no one EXCEPT FOR SERVANTS BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE REALLY HUMAN are around to see my moment of emotional vulnerability and considering how often Sokka hugs his sister I'm guessing he's fine with physical affection and maybe if he bathes with scented soap and washes really well he won't have that Water Tribe smell on him anymore and we can do all that cuddling without my nose twitching or my stomach turning.

"Of course there are problems too with us getting together that may be completely insurmountable or at least too much work to bother with. I've only recently achieved a kind of peace with my family because I actually achieved what I was bred for and actually landed a boy toy FRIEND I MEANT BOY FRIEND with a higher social station than mine and the fact that Zuko actually possesses the highest social station in the Fire Nation is a definite bonus and means I never have to be worried about getting arrested for assault which is something I got used to during my time with Azula. Furthermore I have absolutely no desire whatsoever in a million years no matter the bribe or rationalization to ever set foot anywhere within catapulting distance of that worthless South Pole because FIRST OF ALL I don't like being cold and SECONDLY I like my civilization and indoor plumbing and THIRD OF ALL I agreed to commit war crimes for Azula to get away from family so I have no desire to live with Sokka's family ESPECIALLY THAT SUGAR TART KATARA MMM A SUGAR TART SOUNDS GOOD so there would be a little conflict as to where we would eventually live. Also I can see us getting into conflicts over the ownership of our various weapons especially those delicious-looking boomerangs and no one NO ONE touches my knives without permission and I would never give permission to anyone even my boyfriend TOY so that means no one touches my knives ever.

"In the end however we can conclude that whether or not it would work out my feelings don't exactly matter since Sokka hasn't shown the slightest awareness that I exist and furthermore the idea of us ever being in a position to do anything about any feelings anyone may have is a complete hypothetical so we're just left with my secret regard for Sokka's barbarian body and a whole lot of suppressed urges. It's the kind of thing that would normally drive a person crazy but if there's one thing I've been bred and raised for ASIDE FROM SEDUCING ZUKO it's suppressing my feelings and I've gotten to be pretty good at it and-

"...

"I just realized something.

"If I have a strong urge to be with Sokka based on nothing by scant interactions and a physical attraction and one of us is emotionally invested in the idea of a pairing but the other isn't quite aware of the first person's feelings TRY TO KEEP UP THINGS ARE GOING TO GET COMPLICATED FROM HERE and we're from two different nations that were recently at war and there are a million and one BECAUSE I'VE BEEN COUNTING THIS WHOLE TIME YES EVEN WHILE I ENTERTAIN YOU WITH MY LOVELY RAMBLING reasons why we can't be together but nevertheless there are a lot of people pulling for us to get together solely for the spectacle our forbidden romance will be then really we're just like that stupid concept of ZUTARA. So even if Sokka and I never get together our potential is still enough to inspire millions of people across time and space because the very idea of us fighting fate and reality to find love together is the purest expression of human love and a siren song of drama and thrills OOH THRILLS I COULD USE SOME OF THOSE IN MY LIFE BEFORE I START CUTTING MYSELF OUT OF BOREDOME AGAIN that will last throughout the ages even after people forget what Avatar: The Last Airbender was about in the first place NOT THAT I EVER REALLY KNEW I DIDN'T START PAYING ATTENTION UNTIL WE GOT TO BA SING SE AND EVEN THEN I SKIPPED THE BORING PARTS.

"I'm going to go ahead and declare that, given my genius realizations and figuring, I win no matter what the outcome is of my suddenly interesting romantic life. It's amazing because I wasn't even trying. Just as well I'm ending this strange collection of ramblings on a high note."